Struggle

Maybe not everyone can see it.. Or maybe no one can even see it.. Graduation is like one step to the front n im started to feel the burden of being in reality.. Too many things to deal with.. Perhaps im not ready enough..

I realize sometimes i being locked up in a everyday conundrum.. And the feeling was awful.. The worst was, im struggling with myself, my own self...

A friend once told me, "... I saw u start reading.. U must be in crisis.."
Apparently what he said was totally legit. U can see a person struggling with themselve when they started to doing somethg that they dont like, most people they choose reading... Huhuuhuu

Got test today and i havent finish reading the materials yet... Choww n nite(actually its morning)..

~AF

Infinite Loop

I watch this one movie and its say something about infinite loop of event. I am engrossed by the theory of one person falling from a tower. Says A almost falled from a tower. A called three of his bestfriend to help him out, pull him up. However, his friends afraid if they try to help him, they will yanked together. So, they decided to back off. A falled and safe. Come to think about wht his friends did to A, A realise that he should never tested them in the first place. Now that A knew what his friends really are, will A continue to be friend with them or ignore the good in them??

What if thats happen to you? What will you do? Will u find another friend that you can rely on when the matter of life and dead. Then you gonna falls from another tower. Same thing happen all over and over again.

This story making me think what is the reason that we being friend to someone. Its our decision to be friend with them. Is it so that they can help us one day when we need them, or is it because they have something that you dont have? I asked one of my wise friend. He said, "kita berkawan ni sepatutnya bukan sebab dia boleh bantu kita. Kita berkawan ni sepatutnya atas dasar dakwah. Kita yang pilih untuk berkawan dengan dia, tapi dia x semestinya berkawan dengan kita. Kita x boleh mengharapkan sesuatu dari kawan kita tapi kita selalu la memberi kebaikan...".

Sekian.... *apa ak merepek tetengah pagi ni*

Divert

Apa korang buat bila korang stress?

Most people will take their stress on food. Me too. Plus, i have this behavior to buy anything i saw when i really stress. 

Couple days ago, i get into a new level of stress and tiredness. I had nothing to do the whole day except self reflecting and online-ing. Well, normally when i get in front of my lappo, i will certainly open an online shopping website. I almost bought something expensive that day. Thank God i manage to divert my desire and close all the tabs and sleep. If not, i already got one iPhone and one GoPro on their way to my door. 

The thing is everyone should have self-control mechanism which i dont think i have it. hahahaaa this could be one-time-regrettable behavior.

Remember guys, online shopping is fun and making your life a little easy, but u must have a self-control mechanism to divert your desire to not over-buy or maxing out your credit card. =P

Pesanan ringkas ini dibawa khas dari Aku Fikree...

Refleksi Diri

Hari ni aku tak banyak keluar bilik. Maka tak banyak la ruang aku bergaul dengan kawan kawan dan orang orang sekeliling aku. Justeru aku ada banyak masa untuk refleksi diri. Sekejap ak meninjau sejarah hidup aku, kisah kisah lampau. Banyak perkara yang berlaku semuanya bersebab. Dari awal aku kenal erti kehidupan ni sampai lah ke hari ni, setiap perkara yang terjadi kepada aku mesti bersebab dan ada rencana yang tersedia. Aku percaya, coretan kisah hidup aku ni direncanakan yang terbaik dari Dia. Walau bukan semua perkara yang berlaku tu indah belaka, aku kuatkan keyakinan aku bahawa semua ini pengaturan Illahi, aku cuma berikhtiar dan merealisasikan sebaghai hamba Dia. Bermula dari kecil sejak aku bersekolah di langkawi, sehingga aku hampir menamatkan pengajian ijazah di skudai, Johor, aku yakin semua ini rencana terbaik bagi aku. Alhamdulillah.

Sebentar aku melihat dan membayangkan apa yang akan aku lakukan keesokan hari, dah hari hari selepas itu sehinggalah ke hujung hayat aku di dunia yang sementara ini. Takut bila memikirkan soal mati. Takut lagi bila memikirkan persedian aku menhadapi kematian. 

Seorang rakan mengajak aku join Usrah. Aku sekali lagi seperti menghalang diri aku sendiri. Mungkin sikap semulajadi aku kot. Mungkin tiada kebaikan dalam diri aku yang cukup untuk menerima ajakan menyertai kumpulan-kumpulan membina jati diri muslimin. Atau mungkin aku sengaja menggagalkan diri aku untuk berubah. Tapi yang pasti, aku belum bersedia. Ramai orang cakap, "sampai bila ko baru nak sedia kalau bukan sekarang..." Aku tak ada jawapan untuk itu sahabat. Aku jahil dalam bab bab begini. 

Aku teringat suatu hari aku menimbulkan soal agama untuk diperbualkan. Sebelum ak mencuit isu perbualan, aku membaca artikel artikel berkenaan. Sengaja aku mencungkil isu agama, tujuan ak nak melihat sejauh mana sahabat aku memberi respon. Ternyata, bukan respon yang aku sangkakan. Aku di tekan habis habisan. Pendapat aku disingkir langsung tiada kesimpulan positif yang diulas. Diperlinya aku langsung aku diam hanya menyorong telinga mendengar kritikan dan ulasan yang annoying. Lagi, dikutuknya aku kerana mempercayai artikel dari internet, bukannya mahu beritakan kebenaran kepada aku. Disuruhnya aku mencari jawapan sendiri. Mungkin sebab itu ak jadi takut untuk menyertai mana mana kumpulan perbincangan isu agama, semasa dan etc. Aku menolak kerana ditolak.

Buat sementara ni, biarlah aku cari sedikit demi sedikit. Ini refleksi diri aku.

Lives Right

Assalamualaikum...

Sepanjang hari ni aku banyak berfikir mengenai The End of The World. Entah kenapa soal kiamat sering menerjah akal aku belakangan ni. cukup ke amal yang aku ada selama ni? Apa semua amalan aku diterima Allah? Mampu ke dengan amalan yang aku ada selama ni menepis azab api neraka? Kadang aku menangis bila terfikir banyak cela yg aku dah buat.... Tapi terus, ak tak kuat untuk berubah dan istiqamah.

Seronok bila aku tengok kawan kawan aku berubah ke arah yang lebih baik. Tapi bila dorang ajak aku untuk melakukan ziarah, ataupun menjadi tabligh, aku jadi tak selesa dan gementar.. Aku jadi judgemental sebentar. Perlu ke aku berdakwah sampai begitu? Aku tak kuat ilmu agama, malu jadinya kalau berkumpul dengan orang yang ilmunya tinggi. Kadang bila aku terfikir begitu, aku sebak sebentar. Jahilnya aku tapi masih tak mahu berubah. Bodohkah aku kerana tak mahu dipimpin tangan menyeberang ke arah tujuan hidup yg hakiki. 

Teringat aku kali terakhir aku balik rumah. Masa tu aku dengan abah duduk kat luar rumah sambil minum petang. Abah banyak bagi nasihat kat aku. Pesanannya merangkumi pelajaran, solat, agama, dan hari akhirat. Lama abah bagi nasihat. Dari lepas zohor sampilah ke waktu asar. Abah ada berpesan, "kita duduk kat dunia ni rajin rajin carik ilmu. Bagus laaa kalau semua orang belajar tinggi tinggi. Allah pon suruh carik ilmu. Tapi ingat keri, ilmu yang kita carik kat dunia ni mampu ke kita tebus masa kat akhirat kelak? haaaa pikir elok elok.. Ilmu akhirat jangan lupa carik. Ni masa muda muda ni la dah boleh cari sikit sikit ilmu akhirat."

"When all thing went dark and you search for a light to see things clearly. That light is HIDAYAH. You dont wait for it, you search for it."

Ya Allah kurniakan hidayah kepada hamba hamba Mu yang mencari petunjukmu. 

Janganlah Engkau pesongkan hati-hati kami sesudah engkau beri petunjuk kepada kami, dan kurniakanlah kepada kami rahmat dari sisiMu. sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Pengurnia.

I am now seeking for that light. InsyaAllah dipermudahkan.

~AF

Hepi Day

Ini kisah petang semalam. I havent seeing her like ages... haha sejak kenduri kawen akak aku dulu, kami tak pernah berjumpa literally... Hahahaaa

Kami berjanji jumpa kat tasik UTM after Asr. Before Asr ak dah siap siap nak gerak. Lepas solat jer, ak terus gerak ke tasik. I brought nothing except myself and my sketching book. sementara menunggu someone that I love, i sat under a tree near the lake sambil sketching a little chinese girl main main kat depan tempat aku duduk. A while after, she texted me telling that shes on her way. I cant wait to finally meet her.

And there she is, from far i can see her walking toward where i sat, then i stands and walks to her.. chewahhh macam dalam drama la plak kannn... hahaa she was brilliantly beautiful. hehehee then we sat at the bench near to where i sat before and we chit chat, something that we missed a lot in our relationship. I feels really good to see her smile and laugh. Actually, she makes me happy just to see her. Im just hope that shes happy to be with someone as boring as me... 

Happy day yesterday.. And today, i got to sleep because i got this freaking seminar ke apa ntah kul 8 pagi ni.. huhhhh 

Sorry But No Sorry

Aku kluar makan dengan akim n amir kat paklah barusan tadi. Kami makan kat bahagian dalam restoran. Duduk kat meja 4 kerusi. Dua kerusi mengahadap tv and dua kerusi menghadap bukan tv. Waktu tu tengah tayang bola, aku yang bukan a big fan of soccer pilih untuk duduk kat kerusi yang menghadap bukan tv and let them sit kat kerusi yang meghadap tv. Waktu tu ok la kot sebab ak nak makan jer... Dorang berdua sembang pasal apa pon ak tak ambik kesah. siyes ak tak minat bola hahahaa.

Habis makan, dorang continue tengok bola and decides to watch until the game ends. Im totally up to my limit. They assume i can be silence and playing with my phone while they watching the game. Im trying to watch the game but i am not comfy at all had to turn my head. My neck ache so bad. NO. I AM NOT COOL WITH THAT. I aint gonna wait any longer, i bailed on them and walk to my college alone. The things is i really hate being silence.. Sorry for what i did....

*i feel bad bout it....

This Semester

I cant sleep. I dont even feel sleepy at all. Then i started to wrote this........... in the dark. Its been quite a time since my last post. Maybe now is a good time to start over the typing passion or what the heck is this. Anywho, im wanna share something about this new semester. This semester is my last freaking semester studying in UTM. Roughly about five more month to rock this world.

I only take 14 credit hours this semester since this is my last semester. I dont remember what was the first class i enter this week..... Professional Engineer bla bla bla something like that. It blows. The subject is okay but the lecturer was the massive- massacre master. I mean, it was a two hours hell of the day. 

The next class was ermmmmmmmm Computer System and Multimedia if im not mistaken. woahoaaa i loved this subject firstly because its about computer and i loved computer. Secondly, i just like to hear all the crap about programming. heheheee However, the lecturer that handle this class was completely historical. He was like a question-machine maker. He just love to ask question. When we answer his question, ohhhh wait its not finish there becoz theres more... it was like getting punched multiple times but you cannot resist it anyhow. Hes good anyway.

Last class i had today was Image Processing class. Thought that this class would be amazing. Unfortunately, this class turns out to be awesomely great of the greatest all the time times thousand to the power of infinity. I may be exaggerated but thats how i feel. Maybe becoz there is only like 8 students in the class teaching by a very likeable lecturer which happen to be pretty cool about everything. The room that were having this class was awesome. This is the best room ever since the last 3 and a half years im in UTM mostly because of the class has tables. hahahaaa

MicroC??? Im still thinking bout this subject. I dont know if i wanna take it or not. I have to give up Image Processing if i wanna take MicroC. Big decision huhhhh.... So im decided to go to MicroC class tomorrow to see how it goes... so long... gudnite

*thank god by writing in blog makes me sleepy... =)

Tahun Baru

Happy New Year!!!!
Selamat Tahun Baru Cina!!!

Thats is not what i want to say exactly. Aku nak story pasal besday aku sebenarnya. Tarikh 20/1 ritu, maka aku mula menjejakkan langkah aku sebagai seorang yang berumur 23 tahun.

I always dream to have a friends that celebrate my birthday. Every year i kinda hoping that dream will comes true. but again, its not happen this year and will not gonna happen next year and of course not gonna happen in a million years later. its kinda impossible. None of my friends celebrating man's birthday. Hahahaaaa

Well, rather then keeping the hope up, i have several New Year Resolutions in my mind.

1. keep my body fit.
2. be clean and smart.
3. graduating at least with dean's list cert.
4. be happy and make others happy.
5. some resolutions that would be necessary later. =)

Buat Kekasih

Suci maksud nama mu,
Sering ku samakanmu umpama bulan,
Umpama cahaya yang menyuluh,
Menyinar, menerangi segenap apa yang ada.

Kekasih,
Kadang aku sedar cintaku bukan seperti yg kau dambakan,
Mungkin kasihku nampak hambar,
Tiada pertemuan dalam rindu,
Tiada ucapan dalam bayangan,
Tiada zahir dalam pemberian,
Tiada kau lihat dalam perasan...

Kekasih,
Betapa aku ingin ketemu,
Betapa aku ingin bersama,
Betapa aku ingin bersatu,
Ingin aku jerit,
Agar satu dunia tahu cintaku padamu,
Ingin aku sampaikan pesanan kepada semua betapa aku ingin bersamamu,
Selalu aku doakan semoga semuanya berlaku,
Supaya masa depanku disulam dengan mu disisiku,
Kasihku buat kekasih.

Sufiah,
Namamu ku ukir kekal,
Tak mungkin terpadam,
Tak mungkin hilang walau dikikis habis,
Dalamnya cintaku,
Hanya kepada Dia aku serahkan perasaanku,
Hanya Dia tahu perasaanku padamu,
Dan dengan kuasaNya,
Aku selalu memohon agar dipermudahkan segalanya antara kita,
InshaAllah....
Puisi ini buat kekasih...
~AF